can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
