oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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