I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
