just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
