Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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