Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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