I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's official drugs can't kill me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
