I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
