Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
