there's paper in my vomit.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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