I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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