Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
