I am puke
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
