Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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