Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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