we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
