my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
