And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
barbara walters just said penis...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
