Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
