When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
