Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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