Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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