My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
