please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
