I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
