Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
