do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
