Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
