do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
