I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
