operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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