alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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