She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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