Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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