brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
