when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
