Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
