Apparently you make a good broom.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
