I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
