he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
