the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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