JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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