I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
