gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
