i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
