the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
