cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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