Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
