today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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