Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
