Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
