i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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