you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
