I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
