I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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